Secrets We Keep
by Ilovedensi1711
Summary: Deeks kept his killing Boyle a secret from Kensi but ultimately came clean. What if Kensi had a secret she was scared to share with Deeks. Will she tell him, how will he take it if she does. Reviews always welcome and appreciated. I do not own NCIS LA or any of the characters.
1. Chapter 1

"What took you so long?" Kensi lunged at Deeks as he entered the bar.

"Tipsy already, Kensilina?"

"We've been waiting for you forrrreeevvver," her words slurred as she held her arms around him. It had been a very long three days. He was in lock up for two, almost got killed before the third day was done, her range of emotions were running on empty.

"Baby, I was in lock up for two days, and then in the bay, I really needed a shower."

"Fine! Come join us," she pulled him towards the table. Sam, Callen, Granger and the wonder twins were sipping on their beers. Kensi was getting ready to down her fourth one.

"Slow down tiger," Deeks pulled it out of her hand. "You're not going to be able to work tomorrow if you keep that up."

"I decided to let you all take the day off tomorrow. I think we could all use a little r and r after the week we had." Granger informed the detective.

"Wow, Granger Danger, it only takes me spending a few nights in the slammer to get a free day, I'll do it more often."

"Don't push your luck," the assistant director glared with a hint of a smile.

"See, now give me my beer back," she pulled it from his hand, "and try to catch up."

Deeks tried to enjoy his teammates' and boss's company. He kept staring at his girlfriend wondering how he could continue to hide the fact that he did kill his ex partner, Francis Boyle. He did it for the right reasons, or so he thought, protecting an innocent girl. Sometimes he regretted it, but he knew Tiffany would be dead if he hadn't killed him. He wondered if they could get past his secret. They got around so much, their ups and downs, their fear of making the wrong decision when it came to their thing, her being sent to Afghanistan and spending time tortured with her ex fiancé, they even got past regulations and Granger approved of their union, perhaps not openly, but he still hadn't put a stop to it. Deeks mulled over his beer as Kensi began her fifth.

"Baby, you don't normally drink this much, what are you doing?"

"I thought you liked sloppy drunk Kensilicious," she whispered in his ear.

"Your not gonna be able to drive home."

"That's what I have you for silly," she began attempting to kiss his neck but was a slobbery mess instead.

"I'll drive her car back to the mission , Sam drove me here, besides I'm probably gonna just crash on the couch there tonight anyway."

"G, you have a house. You can take your car there after you drop Kensi's off."

"I told you, that couch is very comfortable. Besides it's almost midnight, Joelle will be sleeping by now anyway. I wouldn't want to wake her.

Sam just shook his head. "You should make a decision on your relationship, G."

"Trouble in paradise?" Deeks questioned.

"Im not the only one in that boat, I'd say things aren't looking to hot on your end right now, either."

Kensi was getting frustrated with Deeks' attempts to stop her beverage intake. He had never seen her this way. He figured she needed to unwind, but didn't like how she was going about it. They liked to go out and have a few beers after rough cases, but two, maybe three was the most Kensi ever drank.

"Maybe you should try to get her home," Callen stated in a brotherly way. "She did have a rough few days. She may have even busted into Hetty's office yelling at her to get you out."

"What?" Deeks' eyes widened. "Baby?"

Kensi just shrugged with a grin, "she said she was in my debt years ago when you and her lied to me, so I called in my marker."

"You do love me." He smiled.

"With my whole heart," She was still slurring a bit as she chugged down the rest of her beer.

"Time to get you home, princess."

"But baby," she pleaded. "I wanna unwind more with you."

"Don't you think my house is a better place for that?" He whispered trying to persuade her to go home.

"Fine" she huffed. He helped her out as she was quite wobbly on the full range of being completely wasted.

"Good night guys." Deeks waved.

"Take care of our girl," Nell grinned.

Kensi kept fading in and out of a deep slumber. Her head was spinning and the car ride was making it worse. "Deeks, pull over," she said when she woke.

He obliged and Kensi opened the door and began vomiting. He got out and held her hair as she continued to pay for her night choices. When she felt a little better he helped in back into the passenger's seat. He had a few bottles of water in the car. Before he got in he grabbed one and opened it for her. "Take small sips." He instructed.

She rolled her eyes at him grabbing the bottle. Deeks smiled at her.

"What?" She said annoyed.

"Your the best thing that's happened to me Kens."

"Oh with my hair full of puke."

"Even with a hair full of puke." He placed his hand on her knee. "I heard you yelled at Hetty?" He questioned.

She buried her head in her hands. "She's probably soooo mad at me."

"I doubt it. She cares about us all very much. Listen Kens,"

"Deeks can we talk tomorrow, my head is spinning. I'm sorry babe."

"It's ok." He gave her a look, "I tried to stop you."

"Ugh," she threw her head back.

"Good talk," he laughed. "You ok staying at my place tonight?" He asked.

She nodded slightly.

"Good cause we're here." He got out of the car and helped her inside. She was still dizzy and felt awful. "You're gonna have one hell of a hangover."

She glared at him, "I just need some aspirin, a shower and then bed."

"I'd make a sexual innuendo, but I'll save it for when your sober." He joked as he got her two aspirins and another bottle of water.

Kensi soaked in the shower. The warm water loosened her tense muscles. Her head stopped spinning finally and she finished cleaning up. She threw on her tank top and boy shorts that she left at Deeks' place for their frequent sleepovers.

"Feeling better?"

"Much."

"Good, Come here," he pulled her close to him after she climbed into bed. "I love you Kensi Marie Blye."

"I love you too, Martin Deeks," she winked nuzzling her head into his chest. She fell asleep within seconds.

He laid still not to disturb her. He couldn't sleep though. His head was running with thoughts of his secrets. He hated hiding things from her. Hetty's words consumed him. "I've always found secrets are easier to keep when you have no one to share them with." He was able to keep this secret for many years because Hetty was right, he had no one to share it with. No one who mattered enough to know his deepest darkest secret. A secret that haunted him. He trusted her with everything, but he was afraid he would disappoint her. He was afraid she would see him different than who he actually was. Who she knew he was. Who he really was. He had to tell her, he was just unsure how or when. She was rightly upset that he was sending Tiffany money, but she didn't even push it after he convinced her Tiffany was not a fugitive. He decided he would tell her, even if it cost him their relationship.

She woke up to an empty bed. Her head was pounding again. "I'm never going to drink that much again," she told herself. She started to get out of bed, when Deeks walked in with a tray.

"Breakfast in bed for my baby," he brought the tray to her. "Deeks' famous frittatas of course. Are you up for eating?"

"I think I can be," she grinned digging into her food.

"So we have the whole day fee, what do you suggest we do?"

"I don't know if I'm up for much,"she said with a mouth full of frittata.

"Bed all day," he winked. "That sound amazing. Locked up in the clank. I could use a little love from my ladybird. Prove to you again that I'm still a lean mean sex machine."

Kensi couldn't help but laugh. "I love you, even if you're an idiot."

He thought about taking this moment to tell her. But she looked so happy. He didn't want to rob her of that today. He decided he would hold the truth in a little longer.

—

Three days prior...while Deeks was taken away and placed in lock up.

"Deeks!"

"I love you," he said as he walked away in cuffs.

Kensi was at a complete and utter loss. She frantically called Hetty. "They taking him in cuffs, Hetty."

"I'll look into it, my dear." She reassured her with little success. "Get some rest tonight and be at the mission at 7am"

Kensi sighed. Rest was not going to be an option. She attempted to go to the jail, but they wouldn't let her see Deeks. They told her he was being processed and he would be allowed his phone call when the time came. She had no clue what was going on. She knew IA was investigating him, but didn't know what for. He alway skirted around the subject avoiding any mention of it. She attempted to sleep, but tossed and turned until the sun rose. She arrived at the mission earlier than instructed. Sam and Callen were already there. Granger and Hetty met her in the armory and informed her it was about his ex partner Boyle. He had told her the story and that Boyle was shot by a hooker with his own gun. She was uncertain how Deeks fit in the picture. But Kensi being Kensi, was determined to get to the bottom of it.

Eric and Nell had to inform her that Deeks' alias had been sending money to a hooker named Tiffany. Kensi remained calm, until she exited the mission to head to the jail. Her heart was pounding, she felt as if she had been kicked in the chest. What else was he hiding. She loved him so much, let her walls down for him, but they still had secrets from each other. As they progressed in their relationship, she felt that Deeks would be more open with her. Her head was angry, but her heart hurt. She knew he had reasons for not telling her, but she hoped he would.

When she arrived at his holding cell she was still upset. She confronted him about sending Tiffany the money, but didn't get very far after he defended his actions telling Kensi he was just trying to help her.

"If I don't confess, I'm going to county."

"You're not going to county!" She didn't want to listen to his nonsense. She would break him out before she let him go to county. She stormed off and laid into Hetty. Not many people gave Hetty a piece of their mind the way Kensi did that day. She was angry. She was heartbroken. Most of all, she was frightened.

"Go home. Eat something, try to get some rest," was all Hetty responded in her calm tone. She knew Kensi was scared. Hetty was doing everything she could to get this mess put behind Deeks. It was true, she brought him into NCIS. She knew he was a good man. She knew his secrets, but She knew his heart was always in the right place. She felt the need to protect him as she did her other three agents, as well as Eric and Nell. This was her family and she'd be dammed if a dirty cop was going to pull them apart.

Kensi obeyed and went home. Her head was a mess. She started doing her own research. Her face went pale. She immediately knew. "You killed him," she sighed. She put her head in her hands. "I wish you would have told me." Tears began forming in her eyes. How was she going to get him out of this. She assumed Hetty already knew and this really was her Machiavelli plan. Kensi knew her lover, she knew he didn't kill Boyle out of rage, she knew he'd only kill to protect. She gathered that the situation between Boyle and Tiffany triggered dark memories of his father beating his mother, causing him to shoot his father at the age of 11. His deep moral compass turned to fighting for the weak, being a police officer and a public defender, he fought for those who couldn't fight for themselves. All of the things that happened to him made him the man he was today. It's one of the things she deeply loved about him. It's what made him so damn good at his job.

She stood staring at Steadman with her gun pointed at him. Wanting him to make a move so she could kill him for being dirty and causing Deeks pain. She knew it wasn't they way, but couldn't help the way she felt. Thankfully her team and Granger were there to keep her in line. The days had consumed her. She was ready to put them behind her. She was willing to let Deeks come to her with his secret when he was ready. She was slowly realizing she should come clean with her own, no matter how bad it hurt both of them to discuss.

"I have a stop to make first," he told her.

She kissed his cheek gently and walked away with the rest to go get drinks. "You're cute," she heard him holler after her.

The team met up at the bar and began relaxing.

"You good, Kens?" Callen asked noticing her distant look. He loved her like a brother loved a sister, Always looking out for her and protecting her, even if she didn't need protection. As much as Deeks grew on Callen, like mold grew on a tree, he'd hurt him within an inch of his life if he ever did anything to cause Kensi pain. Kensi was the sister he longed for, the one he never got to know or the sister he had yet to know was out there.

"Huh, ya. I just need a beer!"

"You got it," he hailed the waitress over. "First rounds on him," he pointed to Granger.

"I got the whole tab tonight," he informed the lovely server.

"Wow, Granger treating the team," Callen was impressed.

"Well deserved," he nodded, "as well as tomorrow off."

Kensi's eyes brightened. "Thank you." She has gained much respect for the man sitting beside her. He was a friend to her father. A man her father deeply trusted, which meant she could trust him as well. Her father could never be replaced, but it was nice to have a fill in, in the shape of Owen Granger.

Kensi downed her first beer in no time. She kept looking at her watch, wondering what was taking Deeks so long. She was anxious to see him, hold him, go home with him. She quickly started on her next beer.

"Kensi," Granger started. "Deeks is a good man."

Kensi was a bit taken back. Shocked was probably a better feeling she thought.

"That's between us," Granger toasted her drink. "Your father would approve, and so do I."

It had been an unspoken approval since they became official, but now, here on a day that could have turned out much worse than it did, he was giving her his blessing. A bit of relief came over her. "Thank you. That means the world to me. It would mean the world to Deeks as well, but I'll let you tell him yourself."

Granger nodded as Kensi continued on her drinking binge. "That might not happen soon," he grinned in his Granger way.

Kensi kept drinking. She didn't want to feel all the anger, pain and stress, she had built up over the past few days. She kept drinking faster than she normally would. She just wanted to feel nothing.

"Shaggy bail on us?" Sam came over asking a fairly tipsy Kensi at this point.

Her eyes filled with a little sadness as she shrugged finishing her third beer and raising her hand for a fourth.

"You keep drinking like that, Kensi, you won't be able to see him when he walks through the door." Callen began getting concerned.

Kensi ignored his comment starting on her next beer when she saw him entered and she headed towards him with a lunge.

—

The day off was a refreshing need. The team came back ready to plow through their next cases. Deeks, however, had still been feeling tension for days. He decided he could no longer hide the truth from her. He was worried how she'd feel, knowing he lied to her. The last time he was forced to lie to her when he was "fired" by Hetty. It put a strain on their partnership. This time was much different. They were officially more than just partners at work. They had trusted each other with everything, including their hearts. This wasn't an easy task for Kensi Blye. He was certain this would crush her. He took years to slowly tear down her walls, Hell he took years to tear down his own and let her in. Everything could be ruined with a simple confession.

She had been feeling tension for days. She knew his secret, but wanted him to tell her when he was ready. She couldn't blame him for keeping something like this to himself. It could cost him everything, including his freedom. Knowing him as deeply as she did, she knew the action he committed haunted him. As hard as it was, she waited for him to come to her.

When he finally decided to come clean. She immediately forgave him. No questions, no discussion, just simple forgiveness.

"Just no more secrets," she said.

"No more secrets."

Yet, she was holding one of her own. She felt extremely guilty after making him promise to not hide anything from her ever again. When the mission was over he could tell she was uneasy.

"Baby, I promise no more secrets, ever. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I should have known you'd figure it out. I just wanted to protect you, protect NCIS."

"It's ok, Deeks," she sighed. "I know all that."

"I know you, Kensi Marie Blye. Somethings wrong."

"Can we just not talk about it right now."

Deeks knew he was fighting a losing battle. She had been patient with him and now it was his turn to be patient with whatever was bothering her. He figured he put a strain on their relationship by hiding this from her, but she assured him it was ok.

"I really am sorry. I know I am an idiot."

"You are!" She laughed.

"When you're ready to talk, I'll be here."

She knew he would, she just wished she could bring her self to tell him what she buried years ago.


	2. Chapter 2

Kensi wasn't often one for dwelling on the past or the things she couldn't change. She moved on from the daily traumas and near death experiences quite easily. Deeks was quite the opposite. He blamed himself for things he had no control over. He let traumas eat away at him. Being tortured to protect Sam and Michelle was a perfect example of how he internalized every bad event. He eventually would move forward, but couldn't easily forget all the times they came close to dying. For Kensi, every now and then things would transpire that brought her back into a dark place. Today was no exception.

The day began, looking to be a wonderful day. "So that's it, we are moving in together," she beamed.

Deeks was nervously styling his hair. Although, he couldn't be happier deep down that their relationship was progressing, he worried she would see his dark side more often. The demons and nightmares that haunted him, although infrequent when she was beside him, still possessed his dreams. She was aware of his restless nights when they were apart, but had never first hand witnessed the terror he awoke in on occasions. He knew the story of Jack and his PTSD, and how she felt helpless, and abandoned when she woke up Christmas morning to find him gone. However, he always assured her she was his catalyst for peace and he would never abandon her like that. He never understood how Jack left her, but he did and truth be told Deeks was glad he did. She was his now and nothing was going to take that away. His main fear was that she would feel helpless again if the nightmares came while she was next to him. He never wanted her to feel anything but happy.

Kensi could tell something was distracting him by his giveaway tell. "Are you happy?"

"Huh, What?" He snapped out of his deep thought. "Yes, baby, of course. We practically spend every night together anyway."

"And now it's official. No more your place or my place, just our place."

He could tell how happy she was, which in turn made him happy. He relaxed a little, but fear still crept in his mind that he would eventually make her unhappy. They arrived at work. Kensi was so excited to share their news. Deeks still hesitant, went along with her telling the guys and Nell at work. Still unsure, he let her share the good news, which disappointed her a bit that Callen and Sam were unfazed by the news.

"Weren't you already living together?" Callen surmised.

Eric's excitement made her feel a little better, but excitement was quickly shadowed by another case. Deeks and Kensi were sent on assignment to protect a friend of Hetty's. That friend, they found upon their arrival at the safe house, was none other than Jack.

Kensi's heart fell in her chest. She hadn't seen or spoken to him since Afghanistan. She felt awful for not reaching out to him after what they endured together. She would pick up the phone many times to contact him, but the pain and remembrance of those days of being beaten by the taliban haunted her as much as she tried to put it behind her. She succeeded for the most part, but every time she thought to see how Jack was doing, reminded her of that dark time. She would forgo the idea and text Deeks instead.

Deeks could tell she was becoming withdrawn. Granger instructed them to secure the perimeter. "Listen Kens, if there's stuff you need to say to him, then you need to say it to him. Otherwise it eats at you."

Kensi did have things to say to Jack, but more importantly she had things to tell Deeks. A secret so dark, no one knew. Not even Nate, who gave her multiple evaluations over the years. It was something she buried deep inside her, but she knew she was going to have to relive the memory soon enough, pouring her heart out to the man she loved

They day progressed, finally giving Kensi and Jack so alone time to talk. She apologized for not contacting him after Afghanistan to check on him. She never told him why it was so painful for her to reach out to him. She was taken back at that fact that he was remarried again. She listened to his reasons and how he felt all those years ago, but it still shook her that she was seemingly never good enough for him. She needed to push those thoughts aside and realize that as much as she loved Jack back then, the feelings she shared with Deeks were so much more. Everything about their relationship was more intense, more loving, more of what she had always wanted. She was glad she could still call Jack a friend and more relieved that Deeks was so supportive of her past and not at all threatened by once she once shared with another man. Concern grew that he may not be so forgiving and supportive when he learned of the secret she hid from him.

Granger and Deeks sat in silence for part of the ride. Deeks hates the silence, so his humorous side emerged.

"So Granger Danger, big plans for the weekend?"

The assistant director gave him a stern look.

"Oye, how bout drinks tonight after the case. Callen told me you've been itching to treat us again since the night I got out of the slammer. We could use another day off to move all Kensi's hoardings to my house." He ran his fingers through his hair.

Again a stern look earned from Owen Granger, with a hint of a smile. "Listen Deeks,"

"I know I talk to much, I'll be quiet unless you want to hear me sing. I can belt some great tunes for you!"

"No, that won't be necessary."

"Ok then," he ran his hands through his blonde mop again.

"I want you to take care of Kensi. Hetty and I won't be here forever. She's lost a lot on her life."

"I know," Deeks was still feeling restless with the conversation.

"Hey," the assistant began with a smirk, "You're the one who wanted to talk about your feelings."

"Oh, that, I I didn't actually mean it, I guess those words did come out of my mouth."

"You two are good together. Always stay strong for her, Always," he gave him a look as a father would give a son would giving him advise.

"I will, assistant director."

"You better, I'm always watching."

Deeks nervously laughed, "I'll keep that in mind."

The day shook with turmoil as the people attempting to kill Jack found the safe house shouting everything in sight, but failing their mission. The team luckily came out on top as usual with minor scrapes and bruises. Back at the boat shed Deeks was enjoying learning some card tricks from Jack, hoping to learn a few tricks so he could finally take Kensi down. Granger ended up taking Jack to the airport, leaving the couple alone. Deciding to start moving one load of her things tonight, then grabbing takeout noodles they headed on their way.

"You good, Kens?" He wanted to make sure.

"I'm good, are you good?"

"Why wouldn't I be good?"

"I don't know, I think if you had an ex fiancé show up, I don't think I'd handle it as calmly as you have."

"His loss was my gain, baby. Truth be told, I'm thankful every day that he woke up and left you." Realizing he wasn't sure how she would take that, he quickly through in, "Because if he hadn't, we wouldn't be here where we are, moving in together." He removed his right hand from the steering wheel of his truck and placed his hand in hers. "I love you."

"I love you."

The day has been exhausting and she wasn't emotionally prepared to divulge her secret to him. Today started and ended a good day for them. She had to mentally prepare herself to tell him what had been eating at her over the last few days. She was angry at herself for not leaving it in the rear view mirror, she was angry with herself for making him promise no more secrets, when she wouldn't, couldn't share her own. She took a deep breathe and ate her noodles.

"Are you ready for bed?" He asked a short time later. "I attempted to get Granger Danger to give us tomorrow off, but he was immune to my Deekness. That sly fox, not many people are."

She laughed at his antics and shook her head. "Our first night, officially living together. I'd say that's a big deal."

"It is, maybe a call for a little celebration?" He raises his eye brow.

"How can I resist with an offer like that?"

"Oh, you want a better offer," he scooted closer to her and nibbles on her neck, "maybe a little something like this."

"That might be a little better," she smirked urging him to continue what he was doing.

"I love you so much, Kensi." He continued on celebrating their first official night living together.


	3. Chapter 3

"So, we're engaged now right baby?"

"I told you, you might have a chance if you actually propose."

"That was a perfectly good proposal, if I do say so myself."

Kensi rolled her beautiful brown eyes. "If you say so."

"I'm kidding! You'll get the proposal you want, in due time sugar bear. The sunset, the beach, champagne,"

"And?"

"And the ring of course."

"Do you even know what I like?" She teased.

"Oh, I know what you like, trust me," he winked.

"I meant a ring,"

"I'm sure you'll leave me plenty of hints."

She nodded and smiled slightly, but he could tell something was consuming her thoughts.

"It was a tough case today, huh. Callen did good with that boy though."

"You and Sam did too, with the others," her eyes wondered off.

"Did you learn anything interesting from the magazine you bought?" His curiosity got the best of him, figuring that was what was distracting her.

"Deeks," she said softly.

"Baby Listen, it might be too crazy right now for us to have a baby, but that doesn't mean someday it won't be. I mean that's the reason we do this right, to make the world safer. Less crazy?"

"Yeah," her eyes were still distant as they began to welt up.

"Kens, baby what's going on?"

His words made her burst into tears.

"Baby?"

"Deeks, I can't right now ok." She headed straight up to their room when they arrived home. She locked the door behind her and laid face down on the bed. Deeks followed after her with Monty by his side. Both knowing Kensi was in pain, neither knowing what from. His hand reached for the door knob felling the tension, realizing she had locked it.

"I'm here if you want to talk," he quietly whispered, "I love you," he headed down stairs calling for Monty to follow. The pooch was having none of it and laid down outside the door as to guard her. "Ok boy, you watch over her."

Deeks plopped down on the couch, not sure what had just transpired. One minute they were happily joking about getting married, the next Kensi was a mess of tears. He hadn't realized how much she had been thinking about them having a baby. They never really had discussed having kids that much as they had only been official for a little over a year now. They had randomly brought it up when they were undercover as Justin and Melissa and occasionally mentioned the hazards of their jobs but today was very different. Today she had bought a baby magazine, proceeded to have a discussion about having children, at work, for that matter, during a case, in front of Granger of all people. He wasn't sure how they got there, but they were definitely there, as Granger so kindly pointed out. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it did allow him to semi propose and let him know she was on a similar page about marrying him. He just didn't expect her to break down and not let him in. Kensi had learned to lean on him more as time progressed. He considered himself her rock as much as he considered her his sunshine.

Kensi had been on edge since Jack returned. She was getting accustom to not having an escape as well, if she needed one like tonight. The only thing she could think of was to lock him out of their room. She felt childish, but she needed an escape to gather her thoughts. She didn't mean to, but she didn't know how else to be alone. Deeks always pressed her when she was upset and usually he could make it better. This, she was certain he couldn't make better. She grabbed her bag and pulled out the magazine. She carefully looked through every page until her eyes blurred with all the tears streaming down her face. She crumpled up the book and threw it against the door making a loud thump.

Thankfully, it was Friday and since they wrapped up the children in suicide vests case successfully, they had the weekend off. Deeks was far from ready to call it a night. As exhausted as he was, his mind was running worried about Kensi. Suddenly he heard Monty growl and whine while scratching at the door Kensi was behind. Their beloved fur ball was very protective of Deeks and even more so of Kensi. Deeks ran upstairs, he could hear her sobbing behind the door.

"Baby, please let me in. Please," he pleaded with desperation.

Kensi took a few moments to try to gather her thoughts and tears that were still falling.

"Kens, baby," he sounded more desperate.

Kensi finally got up and unlocked the door and opened it slightly. Monty ran in and jumped on the bed next to Kensi. Deeks didn't even try to get him down. He saw her tear stained face and beat red eyes.

"Baby, What has got you so upset. I don't know that I've ever seen you like this."

"I can't do this anymore, Deeks. She cried harder finally breaking down her hard exterior.

His heart fell to his stomach. "Baby, What do you mean? What are you talking about? What can't you do anymore?" He was worried she wanted to end their relationship. He didn't know why she would, but his heart broke at her words and seeing her so distraught. He fought back his own tears forming. "What is it Kens? What did I do or what didn't I do? Please let me help you."

"You can't help me Deeks, no one can."

"Look at me! Talk to me Kensi! You're right, I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong!" He voice was a mixture of frustration, anger and fear.

"Don't you understand I can't. It will hurt you too much. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you! And I can't fix it. I can't change it, it just is!"

"I wish you would tell me what you're talking about." He let out as the tears got harder for him to hold back. He could tell she was in agony from whatever was going on in her mind.

"I've been lying to you!" See blurted out.

Deeks look stunned. He was not sure what to say or do at that moment.

She regained her composure a little, "Maybe, I haven't been lying per se, but I've been hiding something from you for years."

Deeks still looked confused. "I thought no more secrets," he managed to voice out softly.

"I know and I've had one that I've been holding on to." She looked down knowing she disappointed him. She asked him to promise her no more secrets after the internal affairs fiasco, but she wasn't holding up her end of the deal.

As hurt as he felt, he was in a similar situation with her after she was questioned by The Washington crew about Afghanistan. He thought back to that day, "partners don't keep secrets." He told her, but he was keeping his own as well back then. He couldn't be angry at her now because he had done the same thing to her.

"Partners," she huffed, that day, eyes full of tears. Not as many as now, but full of sadness, fear and pain none the less. She buried her head in his chest then and told him she just wanted to forget what happened. He told her she needed to make peace with it. The harder she fought it, the harder it would fight back.

Her mind, almost as if reading his, flashed to the same day. She wished she would have told him then, but their relationship was in such a different place. She wasn't sure how he would have reacted, had she told him her dark secret.

"Look baby, I get it, I do, but if there is something you need to tell me, I hope you know you can."

She shook her head.

"I mean it, Kens. Baby please. Whatever it is, it's obviously eating you up inside."

Kensi took a deep breath but sat in silence. She didn't know how to even begin.


	4. Chapter 4

As Kensi sat in silence Trying to find the words to begin, she flashed back to her time in Afghanistan...

Three men grabbed her from behind. She fought against them with all her might. One smacked her as hard as he could across the face. The other punched her in the gut. The third pulled a gun to her head. She lost the will to resist any longer, knowing if she continued to do so, they'd surely kill her. They shackled her and dragged her through the desert. She was thirsty, so thirsty, she felt as if she was going to vomit. She felt like she was going to lose consciousness as they forced her to keep going. When she could barely move any longer, they arrived at their destination.

The cave was dark and dingy. The dampness made it hard to breathe. Her whole body ached. She was bruised and blood stained, while shackled to the wall. A small fire barely kept her warm. She saw he ex fiancé, whom she thought was dead, and screamed for him. The taliban soldiers took her knowledge of him as a sign he was working against them and struck him to the ground. They dragged him away as she watched helplessly, the same way she felt when she couldn't help him with his PTSD. She sat in silence, wondering how he had gotten there. Wondering why he never contacted her after leaving so long ago. She was devastated.

The insurgents finally threw Jack into the area she was at. She quickly stretched herself as far as she could to get water and wake him. When he gained his barring, he and Kensi talked. She needed answers, even if they were ones she didn't want to hear. She needed to hear them.

"I was free"

"Free from me," she cried.

She still did understand why they couldn't get through things together. Why he felt the need to leave everything behind, to leave her. She was heartbroken. Kensi quickly turned to mission mode, realizing the Jack she knew was gone. She needed to free herself. She realized the stupid decision she made going after a ghost. He may have not been the white ghost, he was her ghost. A ghost she needed to free herself from, but first she needed to free herself from the damn shackles. As she was convincing Jack of a plan to free themselves, the men came and took him away putting out the fire to leave Kensi in the cold, dark cave.

This woman was stronger than almost any other woman on the planet, but she was nearing her breaking point. She didn't know how much more her body could take. She had been held captive for what felt like almost 3 days, she was uncertain as time had stood still, but judging by the amount of times they had brought her something resembling food and water, she was fairly certain in her guestimations. The beatings came two to three times a day, always before food was served. The threats of her murder were always included in at least one beating. They used guns, their boots, anything that would cause great pain. They were trying to find out who she was and why she was there. Kensi wouldn't give them any information. Her fear was beginning to overcome her. Her lip was cut, bloody and swollen, her eyes black and blue. Her insides felt like they were on fire from all the kicks to the gut. She felt blood trickling from many parts of her body. She watched as they beat Jack as well and then dragged him leaving her alone again.

She laid in pain thinking about how long she had been gone. She had been in Afghanistan not quite three months. She missed him deeply. She remembered their conversation at Christmas. Although a brief conversation, Hetty had made sure she got what she was missing most for Christmas, him. After that day, with the help of Nell, they were able to set up a private chat and keep in contact. She needed that. When she was lonely, she'd scroll though her photos looking at him. He comforted her. She realized as she laid in agony, she needed him. She wanted him. She looked over at her ex fiancé, he was her past, but Deeks was her future. She closed her eyes and began to dream about the night before she was pulled away on this horrid assignment.

"What's wrong?" He asked her lying above her.

"You know if we do this, it changes everything," she lamented.

"So, what do you want to do?"

"I don't want to have to choose."

"So don't, we don't choose," he tried to reassure her.

"You know that's not how this works. What do you think is gonna happen?"

"I don't know," he whispered. "I don't care." At that moment, he would have given up everything for her. He finally was ready to admit his growing feelings.

"What are you doing to me Deeks," she wanted to stop but instead reached up pulling him into a passionate kiss that led to more.

"Falling in love with you," he responded moving closer to her, making love to her like he had wanted to do for so long.

The taliban insurgent, grabbed her and threw her against the rock. "Wake up he demanded." Beating her more. Wanting to know if she was CIA. He threatened her life with a sword and then demanded she lay down and stay still. He kicked her again for good measure and took her picture. Then, they dragged her and Jack to a new location.

"Kensi, are you ok," Jack noticed she was very pale.

Kensi didn't answer. She just moaned. Her eyes filled with tears.

When they arrived at their destination, they threw her up against the stone wall. She crumpled and passed out from pain.

—-

Deeks watched Kensi as she was lost in her memories. He watched her wince in pain. He watched her eyes fill with more tears as she tried to fight them back. She never told him the terror she endured. He has the need to help and protect her from her pain. As much as he wanted her to tell him everything, he knew forcing her to talk to him was never a good idea. Not knowing their minds were basically one, He flashed back to how far he was willing to go to help her, to save her. He saw the picture of her over and over in his head. Lying there lifeless with her throat slit. That image haunted him more than his own experience of torture. He remembered watching her bruised and beaten body walk towards him. She looked so weak, he had never seen Kensi weak. His heart ached at the memories. He watched her bond with Jack over the days spent in hell. He remembered thinking he lost his chance, that the man Kensi truly loved was standing beside her, suffering with her. He relived the relief he felt that day, as he watched Jack walk away from her again. He swore in that moment to never walk away from her. He remembered seeing her standing their alone, sad and almost broken, His mind flashed back to walking towards her and holding her as she cried. All she could get out was it was really bad. His heart hurt for her, the way it hurt that day two years ago.

—-

Their eyes met instantly, as they both snapped out of the trance they were in. Both thinking about similar times. He pulled her into the tightest embrace he could. She sobbed harder.

"It was really bad,"

"I know baby, I know." He responded as if he knew where her thoughts had been.

He felt her breathing steady. He released his grip a bit to look at her.

"Can you tell me know?" He asked her gently.

"I'm scared."

"Why are you scared," he brushed her hair away from her face.

"I'm scared you'll leave me."

Deeks had no idea what Kensi could be hiding that would be so bad that she thought he would leave her. He murdered someone to protect a hooker and had been sending that hooker money behind Kensi's back. She forgave him immediately without hesitation. He intended to do the same.

"I could never leave you, baby."

She sighed. "It hurts to think about."

"Kens, if you can't tell me, I get it. I just can't watch You this way. Maybe you can call Nate."

"No! I don't want to talk to Nate. I could have talked to Nate years ago, but I didn't. I needed to talk to you. I need to talk to you."

"Ok then talk to me, talk to me tonight, talk to me tomorrow, talk to me whenever you are ready."

"I'm ready, I have to be. You were right when you said I have to make peace with it, to move forward. I can't make peace with it until I tell you. I hope you can make peace with it too."

Deeks eyes filled with worry. "I'm ready when you are. And whatever it is, we can make peace with it together."


	5. Chapter 5

Kensi felt emotional. She took a deep breath, she wiped her tears as they still fell. "Do you ever wonder what would have happened had I not been sent to Afghanistan."

Deeks paused for a moment. The thought hadn't really crossed his mind recently. "Maybe when you first left. Kens, I guess I still have a secret too,"

She looked at him puzzled.

"I don't think I ever told you That I blame myself for you going to Afghanistan."

"Deeks, that's ridiculous."

"Is it? I couldn't come to terms with my feelings and I'm pretty Hetty knew we needed time apart before one of us got hurt or even worse killed being reckless with our job, and our hearts."

"I was careless too, charging into the building where you were, without clearing it with Sam and Callen first. I almost got us all Killed. All I could think about was you in danger, losing you forever. Never feeling you close to me, never holding you, never kissing you again."

"Fine, we were both careless and reckless with our feelings, but I still think of I would have admitted to you and not kept playing games, she wouldn't have made you go."

"She still would have Deeks. Hetty knew I wouldn't kill Jack."

"Maybe," he huffed.

She sighed deeply. She was more hesitant to tell him her secret after that revelation. "You're making what I have to tell you harder. You have to know none of this was your fault."

He ran his hands through his hair. She grabbed his hands and held them tight. "I love you,so much, I hope you know that."

"I do. And I love you. I'm sorry, for everything."

"I'm sorry for not telling you this all sooner."

"Baby, you're freaking me out with this. Can you please just tell me."

"Ya know, I had every intention of telling you the night we arrested Paul Angelo and then the stupid three hearts thing he told us and you pulled away. I knew you were as scared as I was."

"I guess you getting sent away set us back, huh. The way I tortured that old man to find you, I knew then, there would be nothing I wouldn't do to protect you. Even if it got me on the other side of the table, and Angelo's word, well they reminded me of that."

"We ultimately got where we were supposed to be," she tried being positive, but shrugged in the process.

He kissed her forehead, "I guess we did."

She took in a deep bout of air and blew it out. "When we flew home from Afghanistan, I had to have a full medical work up, check to make sure I wasn't bleeding internally, everything, I had to heal, talk to Nate, etc." she began to tear again.

He hated seeing her so distraught. "Baby, we don't have to do this. Whatever it is I don't need to know. I don't wanna know if it's gonna cause you this much pain."

"I found something out, something you had the right to know. I can't keep it to myself. It's not fair to you. There were so many times I almost told you, I just couldn't find the words. I figured it was better if you never knew. It could never hurt you they way I was hurting, they way I still hurt."

"Kensi, What did they find? What was or is wrong with you?" He was more concerned now.

"Deeks, I was pregnant. I was pregnant with our baby. They killed our baby. Our baby, we made growing inside me, that I didn't even know about. That I didn't take care of. That I didn't protect. The night we made love for the first time. The night neither one of us could hold back our feelings anymore, I think about all the what if's." She just kept spewing out words that she had held in side for the last two years. "The trauma from the beatings I took was too much," she broke into sobs again. She couldn't stop rambling while she was crying. The flood gates of words opened and there was no way to stop them at this point. "The doctors at home had to do a procedure, that's part of the reason it took me almost a month to return to work. I couldn't make myself tell you. I didn't even talk to Nate about it. No one knew. You were busy with cases, I told you I was fine the few times we texted. I wasn't. I'm sorry, I can't say it enough."

He stared at her. He was at a loss. Part of him wanted to hold her. Part of him wanted to be alone. Part of him wanted to cry. Part of him felt nothing but numbness.

"Deeks, say something," she cried harder.

He couldn't find words, only tears forming that he fought so hard to keep in, which in turn made her cry more.

Finally he spoke , "A ba, baby? Our baby?" The words didn't register completely in his brain even though he was speaking them.

"The night you asked me on a date without actually asking me on a date. We came back here and we were so careless, another example of recklessness from avoiding our feelings for so long, but I didn't care, you didn't care, we just wanted each other, we needed each other."

"I'm not blaming you, Kens. I wish you would have let me help you through it. We could have mourned together," he shrugged with pain in his eyes.

"I honestly had no idea. I can't believe I didn't. A great mom I would have made Huh," she shook her head sobbing more.

"Kens, don't say that. You weren't in a normal situation."

She continued on, "When the doctors told me, I was shocked. I was probably around 11 weeks they said. I hadn't been taking the pill for a few years, my love life wasn't exactly existent, my women phase, as you call it, had been irregular due to our intense jobs, I never expected that night to happen between us. And when it was happening, I was more worried about what would happen with our partnership to think about anything else and then my feelings took over and we let that night happen. I don't regret it one bit, what I regret is not having time to know we made a baby that night. I wish I wouldn't have gone to Afghanistan the next day, I wish I wouldn't have went off alone chasing my own ghost."

"Why did you go off alone?"

She looked at him, her eyes full of regret. "I had to know, if it was really Jack."

Deeks knew that was why without her saying, but he wanted her to confirm. He didn't even know why it mattered. Deeks knew it was himself she loved, he knew he had been the only man she could see herself with since the day they met, even if it took years to come out. He knew she had walls that he was the only one to break through them.

"If I hadn't," she looked down desperate to relive the past and change her decisions. "It was bad, really bad," she reiterated her words to him. "They beat me, kicked me, threw me against walls," he didn't want to see the terror in her eyes any longer.

"You didn't know, how could you have. You didn't know any of it," he interrupted her. "You were shipped out to another country the day after we made love. Please don't blame yourself."

"I was never really sick at all, a few time I felt dizzy, but I assumed it was all the stress, everything about being gone. I never thought being pregnant was a possibility at that point. I'm just so sorry. There's nothing else I can say." She continued to weep.

"I'm sorry, so sorry too. Everything, I caused all of this. I need some air," he wanted to stay, but he needed to be alone for a bit. She looked at him eyes with tears, heart broken. "I'm not leaving you baby, I promise. I just need some time to process."

She nodded knowing he was putting the blame on himself. Figuring what he should have or could have done to prevent this. "You didn't cause any of this, Deeks. You didn't beat me or make me follow a ghost. You're not to blame."

Deeks stood up without responding to her, "walk boy?" He called for Monty. The pup stayed put. Deeks shook his head slightly. Kensi wrapped her arms around the dog and laid their in sadness.

He thought he probably should have stayed and talked to her more. She was finally opening up about what she experienced, but the air in his chest was so hard to intake. He put on his shoes and drove to the beach. His place of solitude.

He sat and stared out into the ocean. The tears he was fighting so hard to keep from flowing, began to pour. As he looked out into the darkness listening to the waves, he pictured him and Kensi with a little toddler running in front of them on the beach. His heart broke a little. His whole thoughts from the morning completely flipped flopped. He thought about if they would have had a boy or a girl. If he or she would have her eyes and his hair. A perfect mixture of the two of them. Brave yet funny, strong and stubborn, all the things he loved about her wrapped in a perfect bundle. So, many new emotions ran through his soul. He realized in a flash of a second, he wanted to be a father. He would make damn sure he was a good one. One he never had. He wondered about Ray and his girlfriend and their baby. The baby that would be almost five by now. He remembered how Ray risked his life to make sure his girlfriend and their child were safe. Deeks wished he would have had the chance to do the same thing. He would have traded himself for Kensi and their baby in a heartbeat. He knew the pain he felt was the main reason she didn't tell him. There was nothing he could do, even back then there would have been nothing he could have done. He was happy where they were in their relationship now, but now he was determined to make the past, the future with a better ending. An ending with him and his wife the parents of a beautiful child. Not one to replace the one they lost, but one to make their hearts whole.

Kensi, on the other hand, mourned her lost baby differently. Kensi feared feeling that pain again. Her feelings flip flopped as well. Now instead of having the urge to have a baby, she feared hurting him the way she just did again. She still wanted to have a family with him, but now wanted to make sure she was ready to quit her job. Make sure there would be no terrorist to capture her and murder a growing baby inside of her. She was afraid to lose another child. Her emotions were everywhere. She hoped they could heal together along the road. She loved him so much. She cried herself to sleep and she lay with Monty on the bed.

He returned home longing for her touch. He felt awful that he left her, he just wanted time to think on his own. He hated seeing her hurt and instead of embracing the news and dealing with it, looking at her sad eyes, he would have just broke. When he opened the door, Monty's head perked up.

"Hi," he quietly whispered.

She turned her head to look at him. The stains of tears still existed though her eyes were dry now. "Hi."

"How are you doing?"

"I love that you are worried about me after everything."

"I love you, Kens. But we have something we need to do together. Maybe it will help us heal."

She nodded, trusting her boyfriend with everything.


	6. Chapter 6

Deeks woke Kensi up early the next morning. Usually she was the one to wake him, but he had a full day planned. He grabbed Monty's leash and hooked him to it.

"Ready? He asked her.

She shrugged not really wanting to get out of bed.

"C'mon the beach is calling our name." He looked at her with his ocean blue eyes.

"I suppose," she shrugged again.

He crawled back into bed and kissed her gently, "I promise it'll be worth it."

She sighed and removed herself from the bed she was curled into. She had been in a state of depression and hadn't really felt better after confessing her secret to Deeks. He was so supportive and kicked herself for not telling him sooner. It made her feel worse that she hid it for so long, only for him to completely console her, when she should have been the one to comfort him. He pulled her reluctantly to the car.

"I really don't feel like the beach today," she whispered loud enough for him to hear.

"What? There's no bad day in the water. We need a good day." He winked at her.

"If you say so," she leaned her head against the window. Her eyes still puffy from all the tears she shed the night prior. Today, it seemed the places she'd been bruised in Afghanistan ached, even though she'd been home two years. Her heart and head still had trouble healing, even though she hid it well. Somehow he always made her feel whole again.

They arrived at the beach. Deeks grabbed his message bag, beach blanket, towels, and Monty. "Come on princess, I can't carry you too."

Kensi stepped out of the truck and followed behind. When she hit the sand it felt amazing on her feet. The smell of the ocean perked her up a bit. Deeks laid the blanket out and Kensi plopped down. Monty curled up beside her. Deeks sat behind her and wrapped both of his muscular arms around her. "I love you Kensi Marie Blye."

"I love you too." She replied still filled with sadness.

He let go of her and dug into his bag. He pulled out a small bottle and single rose.

"I had an idea," he said.

Kensi looked at her boyfriend oddly. He often had hair brained ideas.

"I thought maybe we could fill the bottle with sand and rose petals and send it out in the water. Help us heal from the loss we suffered. We both love the ocean, I know our child would have too."

Kensi began to tear up, "Deeks,"

"If you think it's stupid, I understand. I just want to help you Kens." He paused briefly and ran his hands across his hair. "Who am I kidding, Hell, I wanna help myself just as much."

"It's absolutely amazing. I love you so much."

They began entwining hands and filling the bottle together with sand and bits of seashells. When it was half full, together they broke off rose petals and added them to the bottle. Deeks pulled the last petal off. He cupped Kensi's face and kissed her gently. He kissed the rose petal and gave to Kensi to do the same. She repeated his gesture and together they placed the last petal in and sealed the bottle. They took Monty and walked to the edge of the pier.

"Even if I never knew about you until now, I will always love you with all of my heart," Deeks began to tear. Holding Kensi's had they leaned down and placed the bottle into the ocean.

Kensi began to form a small smile as she watched the bottle bob up and down before getting swept in a tide. "Thank you for doing this, Deeks."

"The ocean has always been my solace. The place I find peace, I thought it might help us be at peace."

"It did. And it helped to share it with you. It was so hard to keep hiding this secret. I'm sorry I did."

"I get it Kens, I really do. No more secrets." He reiterated her words from their prior conversation.

"No more secrets." She put her arms around him. He returned the gesture holding her tight.

Kensi had finally felt as a weight was lifted off her shoulder. She was ready to move forward with her future fiancé, as soon as he proposed in the proper way.

From that day forward, Deeks' perspective about having kids changed. As he said earlier, it would be the end of some pretty amazing things, but it would also be the beginning of some pretty amazing things. His heart began to long for a child, a ache he never knew he'd feel. He was ready to put the dangerous life behind them. The dangerous life that took their baby they never got to know. He was ready for a new beginning and a new future making Kensi his wife and mother of all his future little mutant ninja assassins that only they could create.

From that day forward, Kensi's fear about losing another child grew. She wanted to give him a baby, but worry always came into play. What if this happened again, what if I'm not meant to be a mother, what if I can't be a mother, how can I protect my baby, if I couldn't protect the one I was given. She knew she wanted his children, but was uncertain she deserved another chance. Her fears rooted deep and hidden, crept up every time he'd bring it up. She was certain this would create a crossroad for them, but only time would tell when. For now they enjoyed each other and would cross that bridge when they needed to.

A/N. Thank you for all the kind reviews. Hope you enjoyed! I really wanted to explore a possible explanation on all the flip flopping we've seen on their views!


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